An FIR filed in good taste and appetite
Police Station: Bengaluru (Darshini division), Complaint No: 99/VARIETIES/DROHA, Section: 109 of BNS (Attempt to murder), Complainant/s: People of Bengaluru.
Victim: Dose (pronounced Doh-say), alias Dosa, as people outside the victim’s immediate circle know the victim as.
Identity: Crisp, fermented, complete; last seen in sound condition at Darshini eatery, exact location known to every auto driver in the city.
Accused: Persons unknown, operating under the banner of “Innovation”.
Statement of Complaint: That on a date which cannot be pinpointed precisely, because the crime was not committed at once but accumulated slowly, methodically, and with alarming enthusiasm, the accused did wilfully, deliberately, and with apparent good cheer, cause grievous harm to Dose.
That Dose, a long-standing resident of this city’s breakfast hours, had an unblemished record. It had never been late, or complicated. It had asked only for a hot tawa, a good batter, and to be left alone with its chutney and sambar.
Complainants testify that this arrangement worked, very, very well. Yet, the accused proceeded with a redesign. With confidence. And menus.
List of Offences, in approx chronological order: The accused first introduced the concept of varieties – 99 of them, displayed on boards large enough to require municipal approval. They then introduced noodles. Inside Dose. Next, cheese was applied. Then paneer of uncertain biography. Then sauces whose origins couldn’t be traced to any known cuisine or conscience.
The accused, growing bolder, escalated to ice cream – placed on top of Dose, in full public view, at temperatures inconsistent with logic or dignity.
Even Masala Dose, a really respected member of the community, was not spared.
Relief Sought: That the accused be required to sit in a good Darshini and eat Plain Dose in silence, without photographing it. That menus exceeding one page be reviewed by a competent authority, preferably someone with direct ties to Dose. That the tawa be recognised as a protected surface, not a lab. That the words “fusion” and “Dose” not appear within three inches of each other, ever!
Investigation requested on priority. Sambar is getting cold.
Disclaimer
Views expressed above are the author’s own.
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